20 December, 2008

Ist christmas apart

Dear Daughter,
If memory serves correctly, 
this is our first Christmas apart.
How did I miss that!
For many years, 
my conflict was between wedding anniversary
and Christmas celebration.
Now that has been resolved.
Adam and I will have moo shu
at shuang chen
and then I will go, alone,
To sing at Midnight Mass
and the 9:30 on the next day.
And I will be thinking of you.
And missing you in a new way.
Knowing that you are with people who love you,
even adore you, but are not me.
It is and always was my goal for you
to move out and be on your own.
Independent, yet interdependent.
At least until you have children 
and then my intention is to be available 
to play with those babies...
Until then I want to travel and grow my life
in all the ways I set aside
while I was working on my marriage.

I remember when I first held you
and felt an overwhelming desire
to protect you from all harm,
to give my life for you, if necessary.
Ditto your brother. 
Most mothers feel the same, of this I am sure.
Last year I wasn't even there to protect you from those bullets
And this year, an ocean separates us.
Life is just like that: intention and reality.
With learning in between...
Today I learned how much I miss you.
And how important it is to let you go.
See you in our dreams.

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