13 April, 2009


A storm of emotion and frustration. Not at all the Easter celebrations of our romantic fantasies. A loving and calm expression of familial love and devotion. But real, definitely raw and genuine. Demanding. Brutally honest. and a stuggle to be born into a more mature version of ourselves. My daughter struggling with jet lag, my son struggling with starting a new phase of his life. Leaving home for the somewhat unknown. Having established a comfortable familiar environment, and starting anew in a completely unfamiliar place. Wanting to succeed yet not wanting to make mistakes: who has never been there? I feel for him and struggle to find a balance myself between being overly involved and holding back too much. Wanting those feelings to come up but not wanting them to express in inappropriate ways. Violence toward his sister or me. And it's difficult for me because I have a high tolerance for violence directed at me. I make excuses when it might be more appropriate to say, "Whoa!" The chocolate eggs were mediocre. We are spoiled by my son's truffle creations and the quality of ingredients he uses. Even the more high end chocolates available in stores are inferior to his products made with organic ingredients and no preservatives. Life keeps on keeping on. I finally gave in to my ill health, surrendered and spent the day in bed with a heating pad on my neck. I expected to feel better by now given the life expectancy of the virus. No such luck, and tomorrow: a full schedule of work. The weather is mild and slowly blossoming into Spring. My tulips are coming into view, and I will start clearing the mulch soon. Seasons change and we with the seasons. I imagine my son on the boat in his new life, preparing the meals for the guests, learning a new team dynamic. And I wish the very best for him. And get a sense of the pain of sibling discord. I can't be a referee or mediator for them. All I can do is hope for the best whatever that means. And know in my heart that it will include some wrong notes here and there from time to time. It's on the hard drive. All these patterns are on the human species hard drive. And all are part of the blessing.

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