Reigning (raining) Queen of Kirklandia,
Your Majesty,
It is still surprising to realize how divine process works.
And then remember that I am seeing only a fraction,
and not even a very big fraction of the actual process.
Flow doesn't stay flowing; there are always opportunities for turbulence
and I for one, have never been attracted to literally shooting the rapids.
(Figuratively is another matter, obviously)
The most monumental thing to happen (for me) is recording a tiny little (5-8 minutes) clip
of "Quartet for the End of Time" for a grant application.
I hold the idea he had regarding time in my day dreams.
And wonder about the concept of rhythm...
I don't have as much insight into Messian as I would like
but my understanding is growing that direction.
Working with Tai Chi Sword form and the other forms
helps me to tune into the inward turbulence and possible causes...
or conditions and opportunities for transformation.
My recent study of Butoh technique has supported a deeper understanding
of the violence that came out of the events of WW2.
Step by step, or bird by bird as Anne Lamott says,
rivers are opening which I believed were permanently closed.
Alleluia, Amen
Affectionately,
Jules
2 comments:
Your words give me strength. Before this, I took great pride in my anticipation to "shoot the rapids". Anticipation, hunger and pride in the fact that I was so set in my conviction. But I've come to this space where I am completely unsure of myself and it is quite familiar. Im constently surrounded by people and I feel the loneliest one in the world. But out of the loneliness comes this drive to survive, to persist. Today in my 12 step book it (I do this , read 12 step books, partly because they keep me grounded by a meditation or daily slogan and partly because I am looking back on all the times in my younger childhhood where I road with Grandpa in his Subarus and read to him from the Al-anon book he kept on his dash or wedged between the cigarette lighter and the bucket compartment. I return to a place that is familier and safe)said "Just about everybody has the heart to begin a project. Persisting with it is another matter. In our case, the victory goes not to the smartest, the biggest, the wealthiest-but to the one who persists in spite of all. Today, I pray for the strength to persevere when a task has stopped being fun." So this constrant drive that this morning has been articulated can be destructive in circumstances where I am prone to over achievement but a warm and growing survival tactic in situations where I know that I'm goin to be alright, and even though I feel out of control or weak or completely stupid, or frightened, I have the ability to reassure my self with growth in so many different directions. Sometimes when I feel a change or something has gone unspoken I try to confront it (like with Christina Pawlowski when we went to get my passport in Chicago)but if it's something that is not worth investing my energy in it by blowing it out of proportion, I chanage direction and seek other opportunities for growth. This is this place I am right now with my friends. Both relationships are being redefined and it hurts and it's lonely but I need to return to myself, focus on my task at hand. I cant't feel sorry for myself, I can nurture myself, but feeling sorry for myself often snowballs into a tumult of every little thing that ever went wrong in my life and hurt me. And though it's tempting to head in that direction, I like to take the positive route, where upon I convert all that emotion into something I can look at and be empowered by. Even at my work at NorthEast, it was easy to remember the things those kids where going through, because they were right there in front of me, but when I can speak to the students like I speak to myself whe I need that extra support, if I can say "You're gonna be ok, you can do this, you have incredible power-nurture it." and they do wel and are empowered to oversome their own milestones, that makes me feel so good, it makes me feel like I can do anything as well. I'm speaking to them but in a way Im speaking to myself, maybe myself I see in them. Next week I will be starting a job I got on Thurseday (I wish we could all celebrate, the three of us...) and I hope that I'll be able to use it as a tool for me to empower myself. Because the line of work, for me, is rewarding, I learn so much from teaching.
I close my eyes
to see your face,
hear your voice
and smile with the longing
to fold you in my arms.
XO
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