28 October, 2008

Hey Girl-friend

If you performed on a regular basis,
say once a week, or month,
the "recovery" time would be much less.
However our first composition 
is like your first baby: 
it requires a huge reserve of focused attention
to get it off the ground, like a space ship launch.
And it is wise to  honor that feat of will and discipline.

You done good girl, don't dismiss it lightly!

I believe my 1st ex-husband is currently single,
however, last time I saw him 
I was introduced to a woman I assume was his "significant other"
Doesn't mean, of course, that they are living together
or in any way financially committed to each other
which is really what it's all about at this point, isn't it?

That, and  "will you push my wheelchair, 
wipe my chin 
and change my 'Depends'?"

It appears that for the past 5 years of legal single motherhood,
my goal has been simply to pay my mortgage each month.
And I've done that, and now I want something more,
something in addition to paying my bills.
We women have an interesting path to walk:
The desire and gratification of having children, 
care-taking others, often at our own expense,
and no instruction in the art of caring for oneself 
except for that fleeting pre-flight reminder:
"put your own oxygen mask on 
before you assist the people around you."  
It isn't a cultural priority over care-taking others, 
hildren and men.
It eventually becomes a compulsion, 
an illusion of value and an addiction,
and just as destructive as any mindless habit performed 
without awareness or conscious intent.

 I guess this is what self-realization is about:

Recognizing our compulsive reactions, beliefs, habits, 
and our attachments to them:
from coffee (jasmine tea for me), 
comparing ourselves to others,
leisure activities,
ideas about who we are and what we deserve, etc, etc
The dawning of the understanding: we don't have to do that any more.
We can stop using the old choreography, 
fall back on our improvisation skills
and allow everything in our lives to shift, 
and move into new forms.
And the shift may be so subtle it may occur unnoticed
unless we really pay attention.

So that's what I trying to do.

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