neglect

I have been taking a break from writing over the past few months. I over committed and look what falls away. Money and paying bills seem to always come first. And now I am sick, and so getting better comes first so that I can work and pay bills. The year 2012 ends with me sipping ginger and lemon in hot water, wearing my pajamas and hoping the dog won't suffer too much without our usual trips to the dog park. I sit in a blanket tossing the racquetballs across the kitchen, through the dining room and off the far wall of the living room hoping to wear him out before I am overcome with yet another coughing fit. The congestion is still pretty tight and I have run a hot bath with salt and ginger for myself. I have finished the first two seasons of "Sherlock", read everything on face book, and cleaned up the kitchen except for the lemons, the citrus juicer, and the blender. Oh, and the ginger, of course. I will take a cold medication and go to work in less than an hour. Once there I will greet my first appointment with a Ricola berry flavored cough drop in my mouth and she will never even notice that every muscle in my body is aching, especially my shoulders, forearms and hands. I will take her health history, and due date. We will talk about her pregnancy, or her delivery, and I will do my best to make her more comfortable in her body. She will pay me and then drive away. I will do this three times, maybe four and then gather my dirty linens, put away the coconut oil, wipe down all surfaces with an antibacterial solution and come home. Let the dog out, get in a hot ginger bath, and soak until the water is cold, wondering what is happening.

Getting sick slows me down, leaves too much time for self reflection. I become impatient with myself and the people around me. I try to stay on track and don't enjoy the experience. I surround myself with beauty and then neglect to notice the beautiful reminders to let it all go, let it all drop away and relax. I feel bad about myself, a failure who allows herself to get sick and over commit. I harbor unrealistic expectations and then become emotionally abusive rather than self congratulatory that I recognize the pattern and can just let it go, take a deep breath, cough up the congestion and begin again. Each breath: a chance to begin again.