Scary Dream

scary dream: work up and went to the bathroom to find the environment altered with a peanut butter sandwich and peanut butter smeared all over the porcelain pedestal sink and some sort to book-holder on the toilet tank for kids to amuse themselves on the "potty" Slowly it dawned on me: I wasn't alone, someone had left their kids in my house as a kind of drop-in, self service day care and they had run wild without supervision. I was furious thinking my daughter had agreed to the arrangement, or perhaps my son, and then just left the kids there hoping I would take care of them and, obviously to me, clean up after them. I started screaming and having a temper tantrum/fit to get them out of the house and clean up the mess. the parents somehow appeared and took them away packing up most of their stuff but leaving the mess, the smeared peanut butter and crusts. I found my son sleeping on a couch in an office/family type room and he knew nothing about the arrangement and hadn't heard the altercation in the other rooms and knew nothing about how the children ended up in my home. Which led me to believe that my daughter had arranged it but she hadn't been around for a very long time and wasn't expected to return in the near future. I felt really bad when I woke in the atmosphere of the dream. Really wrong and like I had done something terribly politically incorrect. I felt shame on me that I over reacted, reacted so vehemently, hatefully about those kids being in my house and messing with stuff. It reminded me of how I feel about my son living at home, and the mess I see in his wake which doesn't get picked up or cleaned unless I attend to it. I feel mean and somewhat petty in my demands, yet they are authentic even if they are founded in neurotic experiences of my childhood. It does remind me somewhat of my childhood and my mother. And working at Blooma and thinking, wondering if KW is saying bad things about me to SS. My reaction to AK's e-mail, and all the little things that come up that I try to be intentional about and then totally blow it. At least blow it in my perception. I try to look at the people that love my work, that are truly inspired by my work and I feel so grateful. I remind myself of what Upledger wrote about being authentic rather than making attempts to be "likable" and liked by everyone. There will always be people who do not like us and they will sometimes be the ones that also love us in other times and at other times.  And yeah, I felt an overwhelming sadness and cried as I sat in this dream energy, pondering the images and feelings. How is it that it is relatively easy to tune into other peoples feelings. without much skill in tuning into my own. And respecting them for what they are, and as real and important, worth considering and releasing them without resistance of the usual sort. Then I end up feeling callous and like I didn't respect their importance enough. Like the Valerie thing. I just really don't feel that bad about her anymore. I miss her, but I don't feel like I want her back. Oh shit! It's sort of like my ex-husband: I don't feel like I want him back, I cant say tons of good things about him, yet I miss that part of myself I was when I was with him. The part that tried everything to tolerate the pain and distrust, that tried to make it work out, to understand and accept myself and the part of me that want it, needed it to be perfect for whatever reason that was important. And now I just want to pay my bills doing something I feel is valuable. Yesterday I met with a massage client who originally came to me with horrible cramps in her gastroc/soleus. When I asked her about them she said they "just went away" When I asked her how that happened, she said it must have been the potassium