28 February, 2010

Wild Mind

Parenting gets more complex as I continue to let go. The process reminds me of flypaper. I am so impressed and inspired by my kids and yet, I get so tangled and drawn into making contributions to their projects without really examining too deeply whether my contributions are appropriate and healthy. It certainly isn't healthy for our adult relationships to be centered around constantly helping them at my own expense? Before I think about my own needs and enjoyment. One thing I neglect is what I call "wasting time". Taking a nap falls into this category. So does reading for pleasure, and playing cafeworld. And my personal quest for the perfect chocolate layer cake. Yet I love participating in the accomplishments and milestones of their attempts into creativity. I just haven't learned to be more demanding of their financial stability. Is it too early? Am I wrong? Do I have unrealistic expectations of them, and myself? Last year I was in London at this time. And that was something of am assessment trip: wanting to see if rescue was in order. And what measure or kind of rescue was appropriate. Like my mother: is a wheelchair too much? Is a walker enough? Assisted living or long term care? The process is subtle and self contained. And there are moments of partnership or parentship in these two very different relationships that are blissfully satisfying. In spite of the conflicted feelings, in spite of not knowingness, in spite of my self-doubt and tendency to second guess my decisions. I have an opportunity to recognize my old feelings and respond to them with trust and confidence in the creative process. Knowing that there is some good, some beauty, some of freedom in each of these decisions. I look back at the beginnings of Quartet with awe and recognition of the importance of timing. And the changes that needed to happen for that performance to occur as it did two weeks ago. What a surprise! I felt so relaxed and trusting. So satisfied with the imperfections and limitations of the dancers. And our schedules; and my budget. I remember productions where I was so stressed and obsessed and over worked trying to be everywhere and do everything all at once. This was a huge improvement over the old approach. Yet I am still as demanding as ever, it just doesn't bother me as much when I don't get everything. I feel like I am more realistic in my expectations. 

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